Understanding His Tiny Feelings

Ryan was playing with his cars yesterday when Iman came and started throwing his perfectly lined up cars. He screamed at her once and Iman not fully comprehending the situation continued to mess up her brother’s play area. After a while Ryan got pissed off and pushed Iman away. She fell on her heavily padded buttocks and started crying. No harm done, as she instantly stopped wailing her lungs off once I picked her up.

Automatically, I gave Ryan an earful for pushing off his sister and walked away leaving him alone. He of course felt totally “victimized” and started crying. I did not immediately pacify him, as I felt a bit annoyed that he’s being unreasonable and for the fact that refuses to share any of his toys with his sisters. 

After a while everything was calm in the Lan-Far household. I had a bit of a time to reflect and truthfully I felt a bit guilty for railing off at Ryan. Looking at it from his point of view, his actions are understandable. He was playing peacefully by himself and adik was the one who “started it”, how is it fair that he got scolded but not his sister? So I had a heart to heart talk with him before bedtime: 

M: Ryan sayang adik tak?

R : Sayang
M: Kenapa push adik tadi?
R: Adik ambik car Ryan
M: Ryan janganla push adik, adik sakit, Ryan pinjam kan la car Ryan kat adik
R: No, adik cannot take car Ryan
M: (Realizing that this would not go anywhere decided to try on another approach) Ryan sayang adik kan? Tapi Ryan MARAH that adik suka kacau Ryan
R: *nodding* ah ah adik suka sepah sepah
M: Hmmm itula, tak baik kan adik suka kacau Ryan, Nanti mummy “teach” adik to not kacau Ryan anymore. Can you help me?
R: Ok, adik takleh kacau
M: Ryan sayang adik?
R: Sayang
M: Ryan jangan tolak adik lagi ok. Nanti adik fall down, darah, kena pergi Dr Chong
R: Ok
M: (I decided to leave it at that)
*3 minutes later*
R: Mummy?
M: Yes baby
R: Takleh tolak-tolak adik tau, nanti adik fall, nanti adik darah. Can play je
M: Ok

Lesson learned? 

1. A child misbehaved not necessarily because he wants to annoy you or just want your attention but maybe because it is the only way for him to express himself. 

2. As a parent I need to learn to help Ryan understand and identify his feelings. He needs to know what is anger, disappointment, pain etc and learn to deal with it. I shall not blindly shield him from negative feeling because it is inevitable for him to face them one day. I however can assist him to control his reaction to them.
3. I shall learn to CONTROL MY feelings and MY REACTION towards them. 

Let’s walk the talk shall we?